Text Jokes

A hundred dollars per visit

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. “You gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

Top 20 replies by Programmers when their programs don’t work

Top 20 replies by Programmers when their programs don’t work
20. “That’s weird…”
19. “It’s never done that before.”
18. “It worked yesterday.”
17. “How is that possible?”
16. “It must be a hardware problem.”
15. “What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?”
14. “There is something funky in your data.”
13. “I haven’t touched that module in weeks!”
12. “You must have the wrong version.”
11. “It’s just some unlucky coincidence.”
10. “I can’t test everything!”
9. “THIS can’t be the source of THAT.”
8. “It works, but it hasn’t been tested.”
7. “Somebody must have changed my code.”
6. “Did you check for a virus on your system?”
5. “Even though it doesn’t work, how does it feel?
4. “You can’t use that version on your system.”
3. “Why do you want to do it that way?”
2. “Where were you when the program blew up?”
And the Number One reply by programmers when their programs don’t work:
1. “It works on my machine.”

Husband after Marriage

A man puts a notice in front of his residence:


Computer and Encyclopedia both in good condition .

Reason for selling : No Longer needed . got married…….


with a perpetual backup disk called Mother in Law !!!

Wife’s Birthday

Suddenly wife wakes up her husband @ 2 AM.
Wife:”who was heroine in film TRIDEV?
Husband :”Madhuri Dixit,Sangita Bijlani n Sonam”!!
Wife:what was the screen name of Kajol in Dil Vale dulhaniya le jayege? ?
Husband :”Simran”!!
Wife:”Kavita, residing our opposite flat,when did she moved in? ?
Husband :” Two months completed last Wednesday. …
But, why are you asking me all this in the middle of the night? ?
Wife:” Today was my birthday ”
“Pin drop Silence”

Recycling at its best

Recycling at its best

First Day of college…
Boy sees a beautiful girl sitting
right next to him, &
he writes on paper ”i love you, do you love me ?”
She replies ”No”
he didn’t give up, he rubs her answer
& passed same paper to
another girl sitting left to him…
And she replies ”Yes” 

Moral of the story is:
RECYCLE PAPER and save trees,
save earth !

Typical Husband

One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:

Are you okay, what’s your name?”

“Its Phil and I’m okay thanks,” I replied.

“Phil , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”

“That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, but I don’t think my wife would like it.”

“Oh, come on,” Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive . . . I was weak.

“Well okay,” I finally agreed, and added, “but my wife won’t like it.”

After a few restorative brandys, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host: “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset.”

“Don’t be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile:
“She won’t know anything.
By the way, where is she?”

“Still under the cart…………!!!”


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